My deepest dream

This is my deepest dream, yet i still remain. Do i remain as my own, or do i follow? I hadnt yet discovered anything that truly held me on a single line, my magnetism wasn't north or south; one days pleasure became the nexts pain. It wasn't much of a stretch then to see i was diverging from my own reality trying to appoint myself onto a line I couldn't quite find, or even name. I was beginning to feel that things would drift away from me faster and faster the longer i put things off. A friend had told me once that 'joyous be the man that earns from his hobby'. Stupidly i had laughed at this little antiquated piece of wisdom, not seeing it as wisdom in the moment. I had only remembered this one amazing piece when i began to reach my lowest. Pain and wisdom were the worlds purest symbiotic relationship, one doesn't exist without the other. Pain experienced in reality outputs wisdom through abstract or lessons learnt, and wisdom causes pain in its transit to giving its greatest gift: peace. Peace is founded on love, and love is our greatest treasure. Something which we have to go to battle to earn.

Ever since my Birthday all those years ago i had woken during nights, struggling with my breath, anxious that the next day would bring something else to give me pain. Now i would wake in fear of letting go of all i had been given and achieved, to give it all up and chase something i didn't even know i wanted to chase! Am i still breathing while i believe that this is all it can be? 

And so, i live in the fear that my masterpiece can start with a single stroke, or die with one.

How can i just keep breathing...